Dog or Baby?

My boyfriend and I have started playing a new game that we affectionately refer to as 'Dog or Baby?' Its a game that gives you exercise, allows you to people watch and stretches the bounds of your mind.
Here's how you play:

1. Go out for a walk. It's that simple! Grab a friend, a lover, your mom or simply enjoy the great outdoors by your self.
2. Watch the people around as they pass by and when you spot someone pushing a stroller the real game begins!
3. Now that you have spotted a stroller it is up to you to quickly decide whether the person pushing the stroller is pushing a cute little baby or a spoiled little dog. Thus: Dog or Baby? Make sure that you decided quickly before you see what's in the carriage, because that a) gives your brain a better workout and b) stops you from being a dirty little cheater...nobody likes a cheater!

You may be shaking your head at me that we would come up with this game but the fact is you can play it quite regularly. And even though I am the co-creator of this game I think it is so sad that it can exist. The point of taking your dog for a walk is to give your dog some exercise...not to take it out and just let it sit back and enjoy the scenery. Please do not take me for a dog hater, because I can assure you that I am not, but if your dog is too small to walk itself, then here's a crazy idea: don't take it on such a long walk!!! Start small. Maybe take it for a walk around your backyard, or up and down your driveway.
Ceaser Millan doesn't sell dog strollers on his web-site so please take that as a giant hint.

Handshakes that give me the willies

Yesterday's post about people who are incapable of carrying on a conversation got me thinking about another social interaction that some people just can't seem to get a hang of - the handshake. I know that now a days a lot of people don't like to shake hands because we're super concerned with H1N1, elephantiasis or spontaneously turning a vampire but the art of the handshake is still practiced. Ergo....yes, ergo, if you fall into one of the three types of handshakers below please put some practice into elevating your handshaking skills - because you are absolutely annoying.

#3: The aggressive Abe
Growing up at my church, if Abe came towards you to shake your hand you ran away like what he really wanted was to shake his dandruff all over you...(side note: I just made myself throw up in my mouth a little bit...I apologize if I caused you to have the same reaction). Anyways, if you didn't run fast enough and he got a hold of your hand you would be praying that you remembered to pack ice in your Bible when you left the house because he would grip your hand as if he thought you were Lou Ferrigno and bear down on your poor little bones. News flash Abe - I'm not the hulk so please go easy.

#2: The dead shaker 
This is the person who makes full connection with your hand but then just lets their hand rest in yours. There is no shaking involved, it's really more like awkward hand holding...like teenagers who are holding hands with their crush for the first time and their not really sure how to do properly. I can think of at least five things off the top of my head that would be more fun to hold than this persons limp hand, such as the following: a handful of peanut butter, a pissed off bumblebee, a skunk, 'Edward Cullen's' greasy mop or a handful of drain hair....(again with the vomit...sorry).
Dear dead shaker, would it kill you to actually shake a little bit?!

#1: The 'just a tip, just for a second' shake
This type of shaker unlike shaker number 2 will not leave you hanging in the shake department, they will shake your hand. The problem is that they barely give you enough of their hand to shake. As you go in for contact they stop abruptly as soon as you have lightly grazed their fingertips. Why? If it's about the spontaneous vampire thing just tell me that you'd prefer to not shake my hand. When you leave me with just the tip os a shake it makes me want to give you an aggressive Abe - and I don't want to be that person, so please, don't tease me with just the tip.

The Impossible Conversationalist

I'm sure we've all been there. You're out for dinner with some friends and one of them has brought a new "friend" along for the ride. In an attempt to be polite and get to know this new person, who may become a regular in your group, you try to make conversation with the newbee - and in response, you get....NOTHING! What is that?!?! I get that, yes, you may be nervouse or maybe I'm not the type of person you would choose as a friend... but give me something! I'm trying - why can't you?

So, in honour of all of you who have had to endure a painful meal with someone of the like, I present to you: my top three impossible conversationalists.

#3: The phone conversationalist 
This is the person who will answer your questions and may even come back with some questions of their own, but keeps their eyes locked on their phone the whole time. And then the food comes and you think "finally, maybe I'll get some eye contact" but nnnooooo....one hand moves food to mouth, the other one texts and the eyes stay down. Why did you even come? Don't you get cell service at home??

#2: The one way conversationalist 
These are the people who have left their glasses at home and have clearly mistaken you for Oprah. And if I had Oprah's money I wouldn't mind interviewing you, but I don't, so let's not pretend that this meal is all about you. If my friend that you came with is important to you and you would like to be re-invited to these get togethers, then I suggest that you try and learn some stuff about us. I'm not asking for much - you don't need to get my whole history at our first meeting, but would it kill you to at least find out where I work or what kind of movies I like? Something, just something to keep the conversation even. And if you can't think of something to ask me, here's a fool proof tip: just ask me the same question I asked you - at least it'll show me you're trying.

and the number one impossible conversationalist is......

#1 The one word conversationalist
"So, how did you two meet?"......."Work"
"Oh, well we're glad you could come out tonight. We've been hoping to meet you"......"Thanks"
"Are you from here originally?"......"no"....(long awkward pause.......)
"Where are you from then?"........."Toronto"
"What brought you to here then?"........"School"
"Nice. What did you study?"......."Communications"
"Was that communication in English??"
And that's where the conversation pretty much ends because if you waste any more effort trying to get to know this one word mastermind you'll have no energy left to chew your food. Nice knowing you. Please don't come back until you expand your vocabulary.

Where have all the clothed kids gone??

Why? Why are teenage girls not wearing clothes these days? I can't seem to go anywhere without some pubescent girl throwing her goods around for everyone to see - even if her goods aren't that good. It seems like every morning a good chunk of girls are waking up and thinking to themselves, "Today my goal is to expose my boobs and my ass cheeks to as many people as I can!" And boy-oh-boy are the succeeding.

So my question, again, is, "Why?!". And more importantly, at the risk of sounding like all I do is harp on parents, "Who is the accessory to this indecent exposure?". I see girls as young as 11 or 12 prancing around in their short short SHORT shorts and way too small t-shirts and I know that they don't have jobs to be able to afford these clothes themselves. Someone has to be helping them purchase these sorry excuses for outfits. And if they are slightly older and can afford to buy these clothes without supervision, it doesn't mean they should be allowed past the front door without supervision. Parents - please make your girls put on clothes. Because quite frankly, if their bodies are on the menu you can bet your life that people are going to try and order it.

W-W-W-Once...Th-Th-Th-There...W-W-W-Was....

The other day I had some time to kill so I decided to do some window shopping. As I was about to walk into a store, a man and his daughter came out. As they were leaving the little girl, who was about 4 or 5, was staring intently at a sign posted on the door. When they got outside she turned around and started trying to read the sign. She looked up at her dad, and asked, "Daddy, is this right? Does this say, 'no shoes, no shirt, no food'?"
"Awww!! How cute" I thought, "She's so adorable!!" Or at least, that's what I would have thought if my brain hadn't been cut off by the dad yelling, "Abby! Let's GO!!!".
WHAT??!?!?! Is he kidding?! Who yells at their kids for trying to read?! Even if you're running late, the kids been acting up all day and you're all out of prozac...you encourage reading. Right?! I don't have kids, but I would think that encouraging her before rushing her off would be the preferred option. With dads like that out there no wonder so many of our kids are illiterate now a days.
Wise up dad cause I'm with Billy Madison on this one - "Reading is good".

What's the Deal?

I am super cool. To prove it, I once attended a breakout session at a conference about blogging. While I was there, the speaker said that, "if you're going to have a blog, make sure that it has a very specific purpose". I have two other blogs with very narrowed topics, but the very specific point of this blog is to allow me to whine. My friends and loved ones think it's unfair that they're the only ones who get to hear about my distress so I've decide to share it with all of you as well. I know, I know, my generosity is overwhelming. It's ok. Take a second to compose yourself, and then come along with me as I share the things that I observe from day to day that make me tick, twinge, and want to scream!