Handshakes that give me the willies

Yesterday's post about people who are incapable of carrying on a conversation got me thinking about another social interaction that some people just can't seem to get a hang of - the handshake. I know that now a days a lot of people don't like to shake hands because we're super concerned with H1N1, elephantiasis or spontaneously turning a vampire but the art of the handshake is still practiced. Ergo....yes, ergo, if you fall into one of the three types of handshakers below please put some practice into elevating your handshaking skills - because you are absolutely annoying.

#3: The aggressive Abe
Growing up at my church, if Abe came towards you to shake your hand you ran away like what he really wanted was to shake his dandruff all over you...(side note: I just made myself throw up in my mouth a little bit...I apologize if I caused you to have the same reaction). Anyways, if you didn't run fast enough and he got a hold of your hand you would be praying that you remembered to pack ice in your Bible when you left the house because he would grip your hand as if he thought you were Lou Ferrigno and bear down on your poor little bones. News flash Abe - I'm not the hulk so please go easy.

#2: The dead shaker 
This is the person who makes full connection with your hand but then just lets their hand rest in yours. There is no shaking involved, it's really more like awkward hand holding...like teenagers who are holding hands with their crush for the first time and their not really sure how to do properly. I can think of at least five things off the top of my head that would be more fun to hold than this persons limp hand, such as the following: a handful of peanut butter, a pissed off bumblebee, a skunk, 'Edward Cullen's' greasy mop or a handful of drain hair....(again with the vomit...sorry).
Dear dead shaker, would it kill you to actually shake a little bit?!

#1: The 'just a tip, just for a second' shake
This type of shaker unlike shaker number 2 will not leave you hanging in the shake department, they will shake your hand. The problem is that they barely give you enough of their hand to shake. As you go in for contact they stop abruptly as soon as you have lightly grazed their fingertips. Why? If it's about the spontaneous vampire thing just tell me that you'd prefer to not shake my hand. When you leave me with just the tip os a shake it makes me want to give you an aggressive Abe - and I don't want to be that person, so please, don't tease me with just the tip.