The Impossible Conversationalist

I'm sure we've all been there. You're out for dinner with some friends and one of them has brought a new "friend" along for the ride. In an attempt to be polite and get to know this new person, who may become a regular in your group, you try to make conversation with the newbee - and in response, you get....NOTHING! What is that?!?! I get that, yes, you may be nervouse or maybe I'm not the type of person you would choose as a friend... but give me something! I'm trying - why can't you?

So, in honour of all of you who have had to endure a painful meal with someone of the like, I present to you: my top three impossible conversationalists.

#3: The phone conversationalist 
This is the person who will answer your questions and may even come back with some questions of their own, but keeps their eyes locked on their phone the whole time. And then the food comes and you think "finally, maybe I'll get some eye contact" but nnnooooo....one hand moves food to mouth, the other one texts and the eyes stay down. Why did you even come? Don't you get cell service at home??

#2: The one way conversationalist 
These are the people who have left their glasses at home and have clearly mistaken you for Oprah. And if I had Oprah's money I wouldn't mind interviewing you, but I don't, so let's not pretend that this meal is all about you. If my friend that you came with is important to you and you would like to be re-invited to these get togethers, then I suggest that you try and learn some stuff about us. I'm not asking for much - you don't need to get my whole history at our first meeting, but would it kill you to at least find out where I work or what kind of movies I like? Something, just something to keep the conversation even. And if you can't think of something to ask me, here's a fool proof tip: just ask me the same question I asked you - at least it'll show me you're trying.

and the number one impossible conversationalist is......

#1 The one word conversationalist
"So, how did you two meet?"......."Work"
"Oh, well we're glad you could come out tonight. We've been hoping to meet you"......"Thanks"
"Are you from here originally?"......"no"....(long awkward pause.......)
"Where are you from then?"........."Toronto"
"What brought you to here then?"........"School"
"Nice. What did you study?"......."Communications"
"Was that communication in English??"
And that's where the conversation pretty much ends because if you waste any more effort trying to get to know this one word mastermind you'll have no energy left to chew your food. Nice knowing you. Please don't come back until you expand your vocabulary.